Getting Unstuck
“Why am I so tired?” I wondered to myself. Exhaling a long, deep breath, I conclude that in my exhausted state, something was awry. The usual culprits of sleep deprivation, overwork, and underappreciation couldn’t account for this type of deep, soul-tired that I was experiencing. My emotional bank account was overdrawn and empty.
I took to my journal, a cup of coffee, and a probing question directed at God, “What’s going on with me?” God pulled back the curtain, showing me that I’ve been operating on my own strength, using the energy of my flesh to live my life and move through ministry. Have you ever found yourself pretending to be interested in someone, faking care for someone when there is no love in your heart, or just plain shut down?
From the outside, the spirit-led and the flesh-powered life might not look to different, making them hard to distinguish from each other. Clarification, I’m not talking about the operating out of the flesh as described in Galatians 5:19-21, the misdeeds of our sinful nature. I’m talking about our natural abilities to move through life and ministry on our own strength. Living on my own power and living this life by the power of the Holy Spirit living through me are drastically different–worlds apart. But, on the surface, they may appear somewhat similar. How can we tell if we’re operating on our own fleshly abilities or out of the Spirit’s guidance?
I present the following evidence for your consideration:
Exhibit A: Depleting energy. It takes an immense amount of energy from the flesh to show interest in conversations we don’t care about, to control our emotions from blowing someone up when we’re frustrated, and to maintain an air of spirituality as we go through life.
Exhibit B: Growing bitterness. When a comment from my wife bounces around my head for a week or so without a healthy conversation resolving the fracture, I’m toast. When I hold on tightly to the scorecard that is keeping records of who has out-served the other, whose perspective is really more holy, etc., I’m living life on my own–without my Holy Helper.
Exhibit C: Increased scrutiny. When I examine the words and behavior of those around me with increased intensity and an air of judgment, I know I’m living life out of the helpful but insufficient strength of my flesh.
Exhibit D: Shame. When I feel like, “I can never do enough to make them happy!” When I think that, “I’m doing my best and my best isn’t good enough!” I realize that I’m living for the wrong audience, working for the wrong applause, and “performing” for the wrong purposes.
If this describes you, either occasionally or now, you are probably asking yourself the question, “How do I change this?” My best answer today is that what needs to change in us is our internal OS– operating system. Our automatic thoughts, reactions, and functioning need to be guided by the Holy Spirit, not my own desires and inclinations. Below are some things I have found that can help us develop an increasingly healthier operating system.
1. Allow God to be God. (Note to self: Stop trying to be god.) Angst, fear, insecurity, and control are the result of my attempt to orchestrate my life according to my plans. Trusting in the sovereign plan and available power of a good and loving God frees me to make space available for the Holy Spirit to fill. Taking a deep breath in a troubled or wobbly moment allows me the space needed to trust and rely on the one who gives me life and purpose.
2. Feed my spirit. (Note to self: Stop feeding the flesh.) You probably have heard of the teacher and the pupil: “There is a battle inside of me. There are two dogs fighting, one good one and one bad one.” The pupil inquired, “Which one wins?” The wise teacher explained, “The one I feed.” It is possible that even in ministry, it is easier to operate out of my own strength because my flesh is the most well-fed dog in my life. When I invest my time and attention into allowing myself to be fed by the Holy Spirit, everything changes. When He feeds me, I truly love those around me, find an unquenchable patience for difficult people and situations, and discover a peace that transforms all understanding. This is the life for which I was designed to live!
3. Accept the story written by the excellent. (Note to self: Stop trusting that my story is the best story). It’s humbling to acknowledge that there have been many times in my life when I have questioned God’s good news because he wasn’t writing the story of my life according to my script.
Even these steps can be moved through with the flesh or the spirit. We can either make ourselves the center point of reference and add these things to our already long to-do list, or look at these movements as an invitation from the Holy Spirit into a deepening relationship with God.